Adventures of the Third Lost Expedition, Part IV: Let's do the time warp.

Nov. 16, 1984

Adventures of the Third Lost Expedition, Part IV: 

Let’s do the time warp.

CAPTAIN’S LOG, BAR DATE XXVI: “How many will there be?” the rotund hostess wanted to know as she began pushing tables and chairs together in the front portico of The New Bit Restaurant and Lounge at 9400 Niagara Falls Blvd., Niagara Falls. The Captain furrowed his brow. He had to think for a minute.

        So many had promised to join the Third Lost Expedition in the latest installment of its quest to have a drink in every licensed establishment on federal Route 62 from the Falls to El Paso, Texas, or as close as they could get. But how many would actually be able to navigate through the dark and stormy Friday night cosmos to this designated staging area? Indeed, the Captain’s own shuttlecraft almost missed it.

        “Let’s figure on a dozen,” he ultimately reckoned. Sure enough, the dozen determinedly drifted in, then a baker’s dozen plus one, all wet and amazed to actually be there. They clustered first in the near-empty bar, testing the Donkey Kong machine and the bartender.

        “What do you have on tap?” the Chief Science Officer inquired.

        “Water,” was the reply.

        Equipped with $1 bottled beers and $1.50 mixed drinks, they milled about and marveled at the colored, randomly lit plastic panels that filled the ceiling. Scouting parties reported no hot water in the ladies’ room and no bacon bits in the salad bar. Nonetheless, the provisions at hand looked better than the uncertain alternatives out in the storm.

        The menu proved to be a mixed, but relatively inexpensive bag. The party of 14 escaped with a bill of $85, including another round or two of drinks to while away the long stretch between the orders and the arrival of the food. Best were the Italian specialties, particularly the ravioli. The $3.50 fish fry was adequate, as was the low-budget surf and turf. Future space travelers might do well to steer clear of the chicken wings, however. Even straight Tabasco sauce couldn’t correct them.

        Celebrants considerably senior to the safari had taken over the bar by the time the troupe slipped out into the unrelenting downpour with coordinates set for the Marigold Restaurant in the Master Hosts Inn at 9500 Falls Blvd. To the right was the check-in desk. To the left was a neat little dining room with fresh green wallpaper and a huge cocktail lounge full of empty tables set for dinner.

        Beyond that was a private party. Under a banner which read, “Salute to the Chief: Frank W. Shipman,” a crew of mostly young, well-dressed and well-lubricated associates were drinking and dancing. “This is even better than the last one, isn’t it?” one of them remarked with innocent familiarity to the Captain in the men’s room.

        Back in the lounge, four good old boys in checkered shirts and beer bellies eyed the crew suspiciously from their perches along the bar, then turned their attention to the Holmes-Smith heavyweight fight, which was just getting under way on an enormous projection-screen TV. The place gradually filled with fight fans and additional trekkers.

        The expedition had arrived at the Marigold well behind schedule. After 12 rounds of fisticuffs and fraternizing, the Captain began to realize that the odds were against his flight plan – namely, to finish off every outpost within the Niagara Falls city limits.

        His doubts soon were confirmed by the late arrival of the Billiards Technician and his mate, who reported that lights were out at the Castle Court Restaurant, 9802 Falls Blvd., and Goose’s Roost, 10158 Falls Blvd.

        By that point, the crew was well entrenched in the Thunder Bowl Lanes at 9524 Falls Blvd. Though the darkened lounge was accommodating enough, with the Sabres on TV, Springsteen on the jukebox and a tiny dance floor, those 32 bright, modern Brunswick lanes beckoned irresistibly through the window behind the bar.

        Armed with tall $1 glasses of Schmidt’s, Stroh’s and Michelob, the troupe first invaded the video game room. Then, when the league bowlers thinned out, they took over four alleys and finally got to indulge the urge that laid latent all through the first two expeditions. The Quartermaster added this pastime to his already proven prowess at video games, outrolling everyone else with scores exceeding 150. This midnight madness, meanwhile, came at discount prices – 77 cents a game instead of the usual $1.35.

        While most of the party was content to call it an evening, the more adventurous felt that a nightcap was in order. They touched down first at Barney’s Grandsons, 2248 Niagara Road, familiar to many of them, but then wondered whether it was really on Route 62. A quick check inside confirmed that, alas, it wasn’t.

        The next set of bright lights on the right route belonged to Yesterdays, virtually right next to Barney’s at 2260 Niagara Falls Blvd., Town of Wheatfield. There a country band called The Hole in the Wall Gang was on break prior to its final set. Avid dancers responded instead to oldies on the jukebox. “Oh, God, are we in love with Elvis?” one couple exuded. Off they went.

        Signs above the bar suggested that Yesterdays was a good place to drown the past. Happy hours held sway from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. Monday through Friday and 2 to 7 p.m. Sunday, with 50-cent draft beers and $1 cocktails. There were chicken wings, too – $3.50 a double order.

        In the big back room, where the bandstand stood, the walls were papered with sheet music. The Hole in the Wall Gang lit into “Flip, Flop and Fly,” much to the dancers’ delight. The Chief Science Officer noted that the pedal steel guitarist was none other than Mudbone Johnny. For a country band, they played a lot of rock ‘n’ roll, things like “Honky Tonk Women” and “We Gotta Get Out of This Place.”

        They got out, but the expeditioners lingered. The Billiards Technician and one of the new recruits, the Native American Guide, set their sights on the big pool table opposite the bar. The Guide, having been the Number Two bowler, proved to be Number One behind a cue ball.

        No sooner had he established his reign, however, than the barmaid began turning off the neon beer signs in the windows. No triumphs tonight, the Captain conceded. Time had gotten just a little too warped.